Mistake 2: Asking The Wrong Questions

Do a quick exercise with me. (Don’t worry, it’ll only take 10 seconds.)

I want you to make a mental note of the question(s) you ask your child as soon as you pick them up from practice. If you can write these questions down, even better.

Whatever you do, be sure to come up with at least two or three questions that you ask before moving on.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

..

..

Seriously, this is important. Don’t read ahead until you’ve got a few questions down.

..

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Got it? Alright good.

Now compare your questions to the ones I listed below. Do you see any similarities?

• “Hi honey, how did practice go today?”
• “Hey sweetheart, how did your tumbling go? Did you do your passes?”
• “Hi darling, did you get that skill you’ve been working on?”
• “Hey Suzy, did you have fun at practice today?”

Now these might seem like perfectly reasonable questions for a parent to ask their child. In fact, I’m pretty sure that every parent that has ever lived has probably asked these types questions since organized sports were invented.

But within their innocence and good intentions lies deep psychological triggers which can end up creating mental blocks, plateaus and other issues that can affect performance.

For example, think about what’s really going on when you ask your child ‘how their tumbling went’?

On a subtle level, here’s what they’re getting from you:

1. Did it go good or bad? And if it went bad, why? Was it your fault? Were you not working hard enough? Are you not as good as the other kids?
2. Did you do your tumbling pass or kept getting scared? Did you listen to everything coach told you to do?
3. Did you get any new skills or tricks? Because we’re paying good money, and hearing about some results would be nice.
4. Are you are living up to my expectations? Because if not, we’re out!

It might seem like I’m being a little far-fetched, or you may think that’s not what you really mean when you’re asking such questions.

But trust me moms and dads, what you mean and what they perceive are two very different things. And the weight of these questions do add up. On top of that, the moment you give your child an avenue to be negative, they’ll choose it.

Not always, but if practice was particularly hard one night (as it should be) then there’s a high possibility that complaints are coming your way.

Humans love to vent. And we definitely love to focus on the negative. It’s so easy. Hell, it’s practically in our nature.

Don’t believe me? Just turn on the news at anytime, and you’ll see what I mean.

So if these are the “wrong” questions to ask, what should you be asking?

In short, you should be asking what I like to call positive one-way questions. Here are a few examples off the top of my head:

• “Hi honey, so what’s one thing you were you most proud of today?”
• “Hey kiddo, so tell me, what’s one new thing you learned today?”
• “Hi sweetheart, I just wanna know one thing: did you try your hardest in practice today?” (if it’s a no, you can dig further as to why, then emphasize that as long as they do their best, you’re happy because you know they’ll be great.)

You’ll notice that with these questions, your child is forced to pluck out what went right with their practice, not what went wrong.

Look, in competitive sports we coaches are already hard on our athletes. We have to be. Every skill your child needs to compete at the highest level comes from being pushed outside their comfort zone.

Resistance; whether in the gym or in life, is what builds strength and develops growth.

But if an athlete feels that when they go to the gym there are high expectations to be met (resistance), then when they get home there are even MORE high expectations to be met (more resistance), they’ll crack under that pressure.

Maybe not today or tomorrow. But at some point, they will. I’ve seen it all too often. So give them a mental break. Start asking positive one-way questions and direct their mind away from expectations and outcomes and instead, make it a habit to focus on personal effort and growth.

Seriously, who cares if they had a bad tumbling day? Everyone has them!

You show me someone who’s never had a bad tumbling day, and I’ll show you someone who can’t do a cartwheel to save their life.

The real question is, can your child extract valuable lessons from such a day, and are they proud of themselves for pushing through training even when it sucked?

If so, then success is inevitable.

Why?

Because it helps them build resilience; a key ingredient to success.

I don’t know of any athlete that didn’t get their back handspring, or tuck, or layout, or full when they simply refused to quit.

But I know plenty of athletes that quit and never got the skills they (and their parents) so desperately wanted them to get because everyone was too focused on the outcome instead of the process.

Now that you know the right questions to ask, it’s time to learn to learn how you can help you child take 100% ownership of their success.

While the next mistake isn’t as common as mistake #2, research has shown that its impact can be devastating down the road. You know, like when they’re all “grown up” and moved out of the house. That’s why I saved it for the end…

Continue >>

Mistake 3: Not Letting Them Handle Their Personal Obstacles

Ever had your kid come up to you and complain that coach moved their spot on the team, put them down a level, or something else that cracked their fragile little ego?

Of course you have. (Especially in cheer, as team sports sometimes require coaches to make changes that will benefit the group, not the individual.)

Now after your kid complains, what is usually your first thought or action? (if you’ve never had this problem, just play along and pretend. What would you do?)

If your plan of action is to call up a meeting with the coach to let them know how Suzy really feels, or threaten to pull her out unless she gets her way, you’ve just robbed your child from an opportunity of achieving personal growth.

Let me explain.

First, I’m not saying that meetings with coaches are bad or that we coaches never want to interact with parents. I love meeting with parents because when we’re all on the same page, progress is made.

However, I want you to think about what you just psychologically demonstrated the moment you took charge, and spoke on behalf of your son or daughter. Here’s a list in case you don’t feel like thinking (it’s ok, I don’t blame ya):

See what I’m getting at?

Another term for this is helicopter parenting, and studies have shown that kids who grow up with parents that always “bail them out” generally don’t fare well against adversity in the real world. In fact, it creates mental weakness – the very trait that we never want competitive athletes to have!

So start encouraging your kids to express a direct line of communication with their coaches. (Note: this doesn’t mean you have to be un-involved!)

You see, 80% of the time what your kids tell you will be blown a little out of proportion. As in, it’s NOT as big of a deal as you think it is, especially if the situation is fresh (e.g, their tumbling pass got simplified just last night).

So step one is to listen to them, and let them sleep on it (they’ll vent, as I mentioned earlier. In this case, let them).

After 24 hours, ask them to bring the issue up with their coach and report back to you.

You can say something like: “Well ok honey, but was there a reason the coach did XYZ? And if you’re feeling upset, then take a moment to speak with your coach and tell me how it went. I’m sure there’s an explanation and I’d like us both to know what it is. But I’d like to you to use your own words, and bring it up with them.”

If all this sounds a bit crazy, then just answer the following question: Do you want your child to grow up as an independent, high functioning adult?

If the answer is “yes” (it damn well better be!) then it’s not as crazy as it sounds. These are the baby steps towards that goal. Not only will it empower them for the rest of their lives, but such an act will spill into their athletics and force them to take charge of their success.

Talking to someone of authority should be respected, but it shouldn’t be scary.

In fact, great leaders are the most approachable… so if their coach isn’t, it might be a major red flag.

Will you accept the challenge?

As a parent, I fully understand that these 3 changes might take time. For example: You might (out of reflex) ask your daughter “how her practice went” tomorrow night after reading all of this.

That’s ok!

Just make sure that after they answer, you still ask them a positive one-way question anyway. Change doesn’t have to be fast, it just has to start!

So I challenge you to try. I challenge you to grow just as your kids do in the gym, day after day.

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